he was CRYING into my vagina
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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