are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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