There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
