8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
