Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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