there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
