i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
