I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Let's paint friendship bongs
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
