I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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