I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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