Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
