My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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