We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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