How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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