what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
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Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
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Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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