I will die if light touches me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
