im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Randomize
