How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
