considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
