I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
