im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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