i would punch a child for taco bell
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
