Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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