Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
