whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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