I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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