so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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