I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
