Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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