i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
