Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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