dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
