Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
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