Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
