The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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