I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
