I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
