Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
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The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
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All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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