Banned from zoo.
Again?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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