Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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