drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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