What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
