I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize