My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
