Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
