It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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