Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
