Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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