I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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