My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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