If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We're too hungover to prance.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
