i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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