Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
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He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
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Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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