Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
