I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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