I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
