Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
