You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We need to get me chipped asap
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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